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Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Paul Hammond Demographic

The Paul Hammond Demographic(PHD) came into being after the phrase was coined by a self described "uncouth social activist". The discovery of the Paul Hammond demographic came as a surprise. Up till then, I thought I was working alone. I am not sure how to describe this other than it is modeled on me and is comprised of underachievers, underemployed or even unemployed individuals who have delusions of grandeur. Currently all members of the PHD are male, although some consideration has been given to forming a women's auxilary. There has also been some interest in forming a Paula Hammond Demographic, but the membership profile is still up in the air. It is thought that the Paula H Demographic has better table manners and a preference for watching soap operas.

As leader and founder of the PHD I have been able to screen applicants. Members are generally like minded people who are willing to follow directions and subscribe to the PHD statement of principles.

  1. 1. Mastery of the secret handshake.

  2. 2. Pay monthly dues on time

  3. 3. Refrain from eating at chain restaurants that do not serve burgers from a drive though window.

  4. 4. Tend to their own dog poop and properly dispose of cigarrete butts.

  5. 5. Ablility to handle alcohol or enrollment in a 12 step program

  6. 6. Able to snort milk or other beverage through their nose.

    (Mouth spurting is considered acceptable)

  7. 7. Must not have changed their name to Paul Hammond.

  8. Not be a direct relation either by birth or marriage.

  9. Be ready to mobilize at a moments notice when called by the head of the order.

So far we have no political agenga and meetings generally consist of watch Cash Cab or The Deadliest Catch. To keep costs down meetings have been limited to 6 or fewer members. Members are also encouraged to BYOB and snacks. Bowls and cups are provided by the host. An action plan is created at the end of each meeting, but usually consists of planning who is going to bring guacamole to the next meeting. As the organization matures, political action is likely as well as the possibility of running for office. The 1st annual PHD convention is planned for sometime in early 2010.

Individuals who would like to join the PHD are encouraged to fill out the membership form at www.phd.org. Applications should be sent in via regular mail along with a $20 application fee. Cash is preferred, but we do accept Paypal and money orders. Member benifits include cool T-shirt with our motto, "I am Paul Hammond" printed in large letters on the back. T shirts are available in two colors, black and white and can be purchased by non-members for $10 each. Again, check, money order or Paypal are accepted. A full line of PHD products will be available on our website, phd.org/.

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Anonymous said...

loved this - want to join:)

Paul Hammond said...

Please send $20 to

P.O. Box 312
Richmond, VA 23219

and I will mail you your membership certificate. I am willing to wave all other requirements upon receipt of the twenty dollar bill. As a new member though, you will be required to bring the guacamole to the next club meeting.

Paul Hammond
Founder and Chairman of the PHD

Anonymous said...

Even though its meant to be a satire, reading this one makes me a bit sad. I would remove it and only refer to yourself in a positive way, dont pay attention to the negative talk of others and especially dont go repeating it. I like to think of you as a positive community activist, writer, man about town, music lover and so much more that is positive.

Paul Hammond said...

Gee, you can go on complimenting me all day. I mean to be all those things, except a man about town.

Glad you could see this as satire and meant as humor. Some people deserve a poke in the ribs.

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